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Friday night I spent a long time thinking, then talking with Ben, about how to handle graduate school.

I really respect people who can work most of the time, but after an honest, month-long trial period, I’ve discovered I’m not one of them. I’ve got two reasons: (1) I don’t think it’s physically possible (I’m can’t sleep, and about 10 o’clock every night I burst into tears), and (2) my efficiency falls off after a while, so it’s not all that beneficial anyway.

So here’s my plan: I’m going to keep working hard — but not “too” hard. What does that mean? I’m going to spend time with my family, get a moderate amount of exercise, eat healthier, and take some time for myself.

I’m going to exercise Chaco when he needs it. I’m going to find time to relax with Ben at night. I’m going to exercise a couple times a week. I’m going to come home from the office for dinner, both so I get to see Ben and Chaco and so I can eat stuff that doesn’t have to be microwaved. That means I’ll also have to take time to go the supermarket. If possible, I’d like to keep working on my photography and some computer projects (like a privately hosted blog and some digital video editing).

I think I will still pass my exams. I’m still going to work hard and give it my best shot. I’ll put in long days and bring work home for nights and weekends. I *want* to be here at Caltech. However, I realize that taking time away from studying for other things means does slightly decrease my chances of passing. I’ll be sad if I don’t pass, but I’m ready for the possibility. If I don’t pass, I can still get a master’s degree from Caltech. I’ll have plenty of time to submit transfer applications, and all things considered, that would be an OK option for me and Ben. We can move to Colorado, which is a dream that we’ve shared since we started dating. I can still get a PhD and teach geology.

What do you think? I need moral support!