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This morning, I woke up, showered, ironed my Easter skirt, got dressed, fed the dogs, took them out, made myself some breakfast, decided to take Zamba with us to church since she still hadn’t pooed, and then headed to church.

I didn’t cry as much today! Sadly, though, that’s just because the organ didn’t play as much. During the one song in which it soloed, the tears streamed down my cheeks.

Then, during the sermon, the pastor talked about a baby’s love for its mother. “Have you ever watched a baby watch it’s mother leave the room? Oh my goodness, that doesn’t sound pretty. But then, aa they get older, they begin to realize that the world doesn’t implode when mom leaves. She comes back! Often times, she comes back with milk!”

I didn’t cry, but boy did I want to. I guess it comes down to one simple fact: I’m not over losing my daughter yet, not by a long shot, and I don’t know that I ever will be. Most of the time, I manage okay, but sometimes, it hits me like a tidal wave of grief.

Tonight, I ate at the Indian restaurant near our house. There was a table of four women eating in front of me, and one of them had a six month old baby at home. She showed around a picture of her little one. I put my headphones in and turned up the music.

Someday, I’ll look back at my experience with Annie and smile. “Oh,” I’ll say, “she was beautiful”. Right now, though, it’s suffocating.

Dear Annie,

How are you doing? It’s been a while since I wrote, and I’d like to apologize. Daddy and I moved to San Fransisco! (SanFran is a big city In California. It’s prone to earthquakes, has a lot of hippies living in it, and tons of traffic.). I think you’d like it; we’ve got lots of delicious restaurants right down the street, and we’ve taken Chaco and Zamba to lots of dog parks, which they thoroughly enjoy. The only thing that has soured my experience, besides the noise of the traffic when I walk them in the morning, is the fact that you’re not here. I miss you.

I love you very very much, Annie Laurie. Take care.

Love,
Mommy