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I’m back! My plane landed around 3:45 pm yesterday.

I had a fantastic trip. It felt very, very good to go somewhere for FUN and not for medical purposes.

I spent most of my time at the pool, which was heated and empty. The outside’s 70 degree “heat” felt quite pleasant to me, so I sunbathed, swam, and relaxed in the hot tub. I got a massage (ahhh … so comfortable!) and Ben and I enjoyed some tasty treats at the local ice cream parlor.

We also went to see the Mac King show, which is a magic and comedy show. That was great! Mac is very funny and VERY good at magic. I recommend it. (It’s also good for kids, which is rare in Las Vegas.)

I’m here in Las Vegas! Ben invited me here, and I came despite all the dinging slot machines and flashing lights (which are REALLY annoying if you’ve had a stroke, as I’ve found out) because I don’t like being home alone. It’s too depressing.

Today was a long day. I got up early to do a bunch of miscellaneous things like water the plants and — oops! — read my geology articles for class this morning. I realized I left my skis at Eldora yesterday, so I called over there to look for them. They haven’t turned up anywhere. Then I went to pick my gloves up at church (argh! I can’t believe I left them there!) and head down to geology class, which was, mercifully, pretty interesting.

Then, at the airport, Ben and Craig went to Terminal B to enjoy some first-class luxury waiting in the “1k Club” or whatever it’s called, and I took my Southwest ticket over to Terminal C to wait in line with the rest of the peons. I talked with a very friendly pediatric nurse who lives in Las Vegas and went skiing at Copper this weekend.

We got to Las Vegas, claimed Ben and Craig’s bags, and entered the 70 degree heat outside. It seemed so warm! We are not southern Californians anymore! :) We got to the hotel, checked in with a bit of difficulty (since when do you have to wait for a non-smoking room?), and went upstairs, where I’ve been ever since. I’m exhausted from all my activities this morning and my travelling this afternoon. I ordered room service (one of the the most expensive steaks I have EVER had, but it was at least quite good) and watched Spanglish on the computer. Tomorrow I’ll venture outside!

Yesterday and today have been busy with outdoor activities. Yesterday, we took Chaco and Bonzo snowshoeing. The weather was beautiful! I felt much more awake than I did when we went with Rich and Zena, too. It feels really good to be awake when you do something like snowshoeing!

Then, today we went skiing! Ben and Craig are doing a whole day on the hill, but I didn’t have enough energy for that. I didn’t sleep too well last night, which may be my problem. My right foot wouldn’t obey my commands; I wanted to turn left, for instance, and my right foot wouldn’t kick around fast enough, and I fell. Oh well, though; that’s life!

We drove down to Flatirons Mall last night and saw “Firewall” with Harrison Ford. Mom, this was for you :) It was … not too good, but definitely worth watching if you’ve had a stroke and want to pass the time.

I’m on my fifth (?) day of Adderall, which the doctor prescribed to me so that I could test it against the ProVigil. She expected that I’d prefer the ProVigil, but actually, I like the Adderall better! The ProVigil gives me a weird feeling of being awake all the time even when I can feel that I’m tired, whereas the Adderall seems to perk me up “naturally”. The only bad thing is that it’s stripped me of my appetite. That, however, I can live with; it’s worth it not to be tired anymore!

I went to youth group last night and I TALKED!!! Of course, we only had three kids so it wasn’t as big of a group and I didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed … but still. I am so happy!!! Take that, stroke!

I prepared in the morning and afternoon by doing nothing. Well, now that I think about it, I played poker with Ben and Craig, which was mentally tough … but I won! :) We soaked in the hot tub and otherwise didn’t do too much else. It was a good day.

I haven’t been doing too much these past few days. I’ve been pretty frustrated with myself, and as a result I’ve just been reading blogs on the internet; not a complete waste of time (I am reading, after all) but not really so productive. On Thursday morning I got fed up and went skiing, which was a good move … skiing was fun, and I felt more inclined to do things afterwards. Yesterday I made a list of all the medical expenses I paid and started asking for refunds, which is turning out to be a harder job than I expected.

We picked Craig up in Boulder yesterday, and it’s good to have him here. I’m not sure what we’re going to do, but hopefully some snowshoeing and skiing (on Tuesday, when the crowds have died down). It will be fun to have company.

Yesterday it was -13 F! That’s REALLY COLD!!!

I just finished “My Year Off”, a book by a 44-year-old stroke survivor. In many ways, his stroke was remarkably different than mine — he had a right-brained stroke, for instance, so although he had tough problems with paralysis, his brain worked just fine the entire time (it’s the left brain that controls language) — but some of the things he said were very similar to my experiences.

At the beginning of the book, he talked about his experience at the hospital. He said that he felt an unusual sense of calm, which would likely have been shattered had he known the recovery that was coming his way. I feel exactly the same way. I was unusually happy in the hospital, but if I had known what was coming my way, I wouldn’t have liked it! He also described “the rapids” of recovery — being at home and really frustrated with himself. I think I can relate to that as well; five months into my recovery, I’m full of despair. I don’t feel like I’m making any progress. It stinks.

At the end of his book, Robert says, “I still find that, although to outward appearances cured, I lack the sharpness and edge I believe I used to have. My confidence in many areas has not fully returned. I feel weaker, less competent, less commanding and more vulnerable.” Surprisingly, I find this comforting … for one thing, these aren’t unusual consequences to have (a relief!), and for another, Robert is doing very well despite his deficits. In fact, he and Sarah had a baby a decade ago!

I really enjoyed this book. It was really nice to get an honest, in depth peek into another stroke survivor’s trials — his depression, his elation, and yes, his recovery. There is hope!

I had therapy today, and as usual it was fun and helpful. I told Jean and Melissa about Dr. Stapleton and the ProVigil, about teaching Sunday School, about my geology class at CU, about Youth Group … pretty much everything. They’re so NICE, and I love them for it. I told them how I tend to become quiet in big groups, like at a dinner party or youth group, and how it’s frustrating to not say what I want (anything intelligent) at Sunday School. They sympathesized, which I would expect most people to, except that Melissa and Jean understand better — although they’ve never had a stroke, they sort of understand what it’s LIKE. It made me feel better.

I’m frustrated with myself now. For one thing, I’ve got a disability but YOU CAN’T SEE IT. If I were limping, or my arm were hanging down useless, that’d be one thing; unfortunately, though, you can’t SEE that my brain’s not working right. That stinks because you have to explain it to anyone you want to know about it; you don’t get an implicit “I’m sorry”. In one sense that’s good — you can hide your disability from anyone you want to — but on the other hand, it’s just annoying. I don’t want to forever more introduce myself as “Hi, I’m Kathy, and I had a stroke five months ago, and I KNOW YOU CANNOT SEE IT but yes, I’m still recovering!”

For another thing, I just don’t know what I want to BE when I grow up! I think teaching would be tons of fun, but it seems so hard right now. I don’t speak up in youth group; could I really be talkative in a classroom? Could I do the reading? Could I handle the hours? It’s SO FRUSTRATING. I was in a post-college crisis when I had my stroke, and the stroke is making it very difficult to know where to go right now.

That’s my bad-mood blog for tonight. Ben comes back tomorrow and everything should be much better :)