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So last week I went to visit a GI doc that my OB wanted me to see before I got pregnant again, Dr. RunnyBowels.

He was very nice; he listened to my story, didn’t get impatient or anything, and … he was ON-TIME. =)

I told him about my strokes, my heart surgery, my GI bleed, and my pregnancy. He read the file I’d brought from my GI doc in Longmont.

“Well, there are three things that we think of in your situation,” he told me. “The first is Crohn’s Disease. In your case, asymptomatic Crohn’s Disease. The second is an ischemic process, which I’m throwing in there because your doc in Boulder considered it; I don’t think it’s an option. The third is an aspirin intolerance.

“But in the case of the second two, you’d have healed up by the time they did your second colonoscopy. And in 99% of the cases I see of somebody who has a GI bleed at your age, it’s Crohn’s Disease. I’d say four to one that’s what you’ve got.”

“And what about patients taking Plavix and aspirin? What are odds that somebody on my medicine regimen has Crohn’s?”

“That’s harder to say.”

I asked him if it could have caused my strokes. “No, we don’t know of any link between Crohn’s and clotting disorders,” he assured me.

Ben interrupted. “So you’re saying that her bleed was just an unfortunate coincidence? Taking aspirin and Plavix at the same time was just … unlucky?”

He nodded. “That’s what I’m saying.”

Ben looked at me sympathetically. “Gosh, you must’ve really done something to get on the gods’ bad side in your last life!”

“What should we do to confirm the diagnosis?”

“Right now? Nothing. We’ll treat it if you have another episode — steroids are a very safe, effective way to manage it, and there’s a drug [that starts with an "m"] that prevents future breakouts. However, if you’re pregnant, I really don’t want to do a colonoscopy on you. The sedatives we usually use are fatal to the fetus, and I DON’T want to do it conscious — that’s miserable.” I concurred.

“If I find out that I’m not pregnant in the next two weeks or so, may I schedule a colonoscopy?”

“Sure, if you’d like to. But I stress that there’s no need at this point. We can treat it perfectly well even without knowing without a doubt what it is.”

“About the bloodthinners — Dr. Barbour in maternal-fetal medicine didn’t want to put me on too many for fear of causing another bleed, but I’m desperate not to have any more strokes. What would you recommend?”

“I don’t care if you’re on booku bloodthinners. If you have another bleed, we can always transfuse you.” Whew!

“And you think it’s OK to take aspirin while I’m pregnant?”

“Not an adult dose, but a children’s dose — yes, that’s fine.”

Ben and I walked to the car without saying much. As we drove home, I started crying. “What’s wrong?” he asked compassionately.

“I don’t want to have another mystery disease!” I choked through my tears. “It sucks! I’m so tired of being an enigma! Crappity, crappity, CRAP!!!”

“You know,” he replied quietly, “I’m really proud of you. I don’t know how you, of all people, got picked to have Crohn’s on top of three strokes, a heart problem, and a baby that didn’t make it, but … you’re really strong. I don’t know if I’d've had the strength to make it through all that.” Then, as an afterthought, he added, “And you’re going to be a fantastic mom.”

I looked up at him through the rainbows created by my tears. “Thank you,” I whispered.

And I meant it.

Several weeks ago, Ben asked me if I’d like to foster a Newfie. “Sure,” I said, thinking that we could sign up and take our first charge in a couple months.

“Great! We’re getting one tomorrow!”

“Like, tomorrow, tomorrow?” I asked, aghast. Ben was leaving for California for a week in two days.

“Yep!”

That’s how we acquired Reo, short for Oreo. I was pretty worried about getting a third puppy; would she fight with Zamba? Would she eat? Would she poop all over the house? Would I regret taking responsibility for this life?

But I didn’t. She was, in a word, delightful. She has a dysplastic left rear hip, and compensates for it with her right, giving her a VERY funny walk — and preventing her from jumping up on the bed! She took treats very gently from our hands. Eating was a little tricky; she is a grazer, something unheard of to our two vacuums. But we figured out how to coax her to down her food; it took a carrot with peanut butter on top buried in her food.

Today, she was relocated to her forever home. We’re sad to see her go, but we know that it’s for the best. Christine, the Rocky Mountain Newfoundland Rescue chairperson, picked her up and took her to Denver. Best of luck, Reo!

But this is the funny part: while Christine was here, we got a knock on the door. “Hello! You guys have a Newfie, right? Is this yours? We found him walking down the road!”

So that’s how we acquired “Hoover”. We don’t know his real name; hopefully, we’ll find out from our vet tomorrow. He’s very sweet and quiet (meaning he doesn’t bark very much), he’s trained pretty well (well, he sits very adequately when confronted with a hot dog), and he’s very good looking. There’s a chance he’s got a little bit of Akita mixed in there somewhere; his tail sticks up like an Akita’s. Would anybody like to adopt a Newf?

… Chaco and Zamboni!

We celebrated their (averaged) birthdays last month and got some video. Please excuse the gum chewing; I didn’t realize it would look so stupid.

We’ve had a busy month, but less busy than last month … I am SO glad to be *parked* in one spot this month! (We went to two weddings last month.) So here’s what we’ve been up to …

First of all, Zamboni got some very special mail from Alaska! (She loves Alaska. And Washington, and Oregon, and especially Kansas.) Thanks to Mandy, we now have a picture of Zamba that describes her to a T:

The dogs have been going to the San Mateo dog park about twice a week. Oddly enough, Zamba is more gung-ho than Chaco once we get there! Chaco is, unfortunately, more excited during the ‘getting-there’ phase; he whines and whines when we get close.

They’ve met a lot of interesting dogs at the park. Zamba’s partial to the little dogs; I think, deep down, she considers herself a chihuahua. We’ve met two Newfs — same litter, different owners — who come, our fair share of Berners, and a Mastiff. All the big dog owners stick together; we talk about how they’re growing, what health problems they’ve got, you know … all that fun stuff. Also, we’re not scared of each other’s pups.

This mastiff, for example, is an absolute sweetie! She’s weighing in at 130 pounds at 10 months; her mom was 175 and her dad 275, so her owner considers her a ‘runt’. Zamba’s got a friend!

A couple days ago, I used up the last of my wrapping paper (keep your eyes peeled, Kathie and Bruce!), so the pups got a treat:

Ben and I have been doing some hiking! A couple weekends ago, we took a walk in Mill’s Canyon, Burligame’s very own park. I wasn’t impressed; the trail is very difficult to follow, you have to cross streams which involve five foot drops and climbs, and then there’s this:

Geez louise. We walked right into this monstrosity!

We had fun, though …

Last weekend we took the pups up to Sweeney Ridge to meet my high school friend, James, and his girlfriend Yun. Here are the pups in the car en route:

The views from the top of this ridge were AMAZING! Here’s the view of the bay:

And here’s the ocean:

James and Yun and the Pacific:

We also took a day to devote to a trip to the city! It was fun, fun, …

The Yerba Buena gardens, which is more of a mall than a garden:

We visited Britex Fabrics in downtown San Francisco:

Despite their impressive selection, they only had ONE monkey fabric. That sucks. =(

We enjoyed a little after dinner treat …

Last Saturday we attended the MakerFaire, which I credit with the most crowds and noise I have EVER heard in one place. It was kind of a sucky place to be post-stroke. However, there was one sign that I LOVED:

It’s down at the bottom: “Fun first, safety third.” I love that!

And I also liked this:

Last night Ben took me to Palo Alto for dinner. If you get the chance, you’ve GOT to eat at The Counter. OMG was that good! The chocolate brownie milkshake, onion strings, and a build-your-own burger that was absolutely to die for. However, you might want to be careful, as you also get caught in the nut house:

Last but not least, I’ve finished my first quilt for “Quilt for Kids”! It’s an organization sponsored by Downey that supports making quilts for kids in the hospital.

I dedicated mine to the memory of Annie Laurie. I’ve decided that every time I make a quilt, I’ll put a monkey on the back — she’s all about primates — to remind me of her.

Speaking of her, I should update y’all on how I’m doing with her loss. It’s going better now; I cry about once every two weeks, which is about half the time I want to cry. And I’m back on Wellbutrin. It’s not because I’m depressed; it’s because I was a couch potato without it. I would lie in front of the TV ALL DAY and do … nothing. I felt *exhausted* from the moment I woke up. Now, I feel good during the day, am able to sleep (pretty well) at night, and I’m up and at ‘em again. I’ve even been running daily! It’s good!

But I do miss her a lot. =(

To: Ben Brantley
Subject: A thought …

You could give me something for Mother’s Day along with your mom! Even a card would be nice. I’m sure Hallmark has a way to say, “Let’s not spoil the next one.”

To: Kathy Brantley
Subject: A thought …

Uh, I’m sure Hallmark does not. :)

To: Ben Brantley
Subject: A thought …

I’m sorry. I just thought … I don’t know what i thought, except that this Mothers Day is going to be the saddest one Ive ever lived through. You could help me by showing me that you appreciate me for taking car of Annie for five and a half months. [Note: this was sent from my iPad, hence the weird punctuation and spelling errors.]

To: Kathy Brantley
Subject: A thought …

[Unfortunately, Gmail accidentally deleted this email and is unwilling to give it back, so I'm going to have to paraphrase here. =( ]

Oh, don’t worry. I will never forget the sacrifice you made for Annie, and I love you for it.

I started crying after I read Ben’s final reply. Eventually, I went out to the living room to find him and buried my head in his shoulder. “Am I a mother?” I blubbered. “Does it count? I’ve never changed any diapers or sucked snot of her nose with a miniature turkey baster, but I loved her. I loved her so much!”

Ben considered it for a moment, then softly told me, “Yes, it does count.”

Happy Mothers’ Day.

… a new blog post! I know, I know, it’s almost too much to ask for, but here you go!

Chaco and Zamboni waiting for me outside Starbucks. Zamba doesn’t care that I’m gone; Chaco thinks he’s going to die because I’ve stepped out of site and the monsters are coming.

I spend most of my days inside our apartment working on sewing. I know so many people getting married that I haven’t even THOUGHT about making blankets for all the people who are having babies. (Sorry, guys. Guess you’ll just have to wait!) Any chance I could place a moratorium on these cheerful events? Give me a month or so to catch up? It’s getting a little bit ridiculous!

I guess it’s a little to simple to say that I hang out alone in our apartment all day. I’ve got the good fortune of having two puppies to keep me company!

Zamba’s bloody diarrhea, which she left for me where I’d be sure to find it:

Last Monday, I went into the bedroom to clean up the dog vomit from our non-cleanable carpet, and I was greeted by THAT outside our bedroom door. Really, Zamba? I took her to the vet immediately, where they told me it was nothing to worry about, charged me $85, and told me to feed her rice and chicken for a week. =/

Then, last Friday, Chaco puked all night. He started around two in the morning and vomited his entire, undigested dinner; I pretended to be asleep and let my husband take care of that one. He proceeded to retch until morning, though there obviously wasn’t anything left to come up. I decided to take him to the vet as well, so I fed his sister (who has a voracious appetite) and let him have some water out of the toilet. He threw it all up just before we left.

The vet was vacillating between giving him an xray and just being cautious, but since it was a Friday and they’d be closed most of the weekend, we went ahead and did the xray. They found an obstruction on the film! “Wow, I’m glad you took the pictures!” I told the doctor. She said she’d keep him until two o’clock that afternoon, repeat the x-rays, and send us to a veterinary surgeon if the object hadn’t moved to his intestines.

Fast forward to two-thirty, when the doctor called me on my cell phone. “We’ve repeated the x-rays, and I don’t see anything. It must’ve been an artifact.”

“An artifact of WHAT?” I asked.

“Probably something on his fur.”

“Wouldn’t that have shown up on the second x-ray?”

“They fall off pretty easily.” I don’t know what the doctor thinks was hanging off of Chaco’s fur, but I guarantee you it wasn’t anything that would show up on an x-ray. We don’t normally leave soda cans lying around where they can get into Chaco’s fur, for instance.

“Feed him rice with a little bit of chicken bullion, OK? And I’m going to give you two medications to give him before his meals. They’re similar to Pepcid and should calm his stomach down a little bit.” So now I’ve got two puppies on a strict rice and chicken diet, with medication mixed in. Oh, it’s fun to be a dog-mommy!

The gourmet spread the puppies are now consuming to aid in their digestion:

It’s a rice and chicken mix atop their kibble, with a little bit of cottage cheese thrown on top. These are some SPOILED puppies.

A couple weeks ago, Ben and I drove up to San Francisco to meet my high school friends! Kathie and Susie’s parents moved out here shortly after we graduated, and James is out here doing software development. Nobody’s changed at all — Kathie and Susie are still the nicest people you’ll ever meet, and James is still … well, James-like. =)

My high school gang, reunited! That’s Susie Huang, Kathie Huang, James Oey, and me. And Chaco and Zamba. =)

Chaco and Zamboni doing a “leave it” with pieces of pepperoni shortly before Zamba tossed her cookies all over Susie’s rug. She’s got real good timing, that one. So does Ben, who grabbed her, trying to get her into the kitchen, but instead just spread the vomit all across the carpet. I’m so sorry, Susie! Have you been able to get the stains out yet?

We made pizza for dinner!

“Excuse me … excuse me … may I help? Please?”

Perhaps the best part of the visit was the “extra” company. James’ girlfriend, whose name has slipped my mind, works at Apple on the MacBooks. Ben heard that and immediately perked up. “When will you support 8 gigs of RAM?” he asked. “That’s my main concern.” She said she didn’t know. “When you do, I’ll buy one, but until then …” Susie’s future brother-in-law works for Tesla. “Sweet …” Ben said, and then launched into a hundred and one questions about why Tesla doesn’t make stuff that works in cold weather like we’ve got in Colorado.

We’ve also had the good fortune of attending two weddings! The first was my sister-in-law’s in South Carolina. Ben and I did the photography at that wedding, so while it was fun, we didn’t get a whole lot of time to goof off.

Sarah, the maid of honor, and Jessica:

The happy couple:

Jessica’s son, Caden, smiled for a great picture:

At the end of the reception, Mom sighed and said, “If you ever have a wedding, don’t schedule it at naptime.” Caden was good, but not perfect.

Two weekends later, we went to Ben’s coworker’s wedding in Austin, Texas. I got just a couple pictures of the fun we had there.

Ben tearin’ up the dance floor at Jen and Corbett’s wedding in Austin, TX. We arrived in time to enjoy a night on the town! We walked to a BBQ joint (mighty good, by the way!) and then sat on a pier on the river watching the sunset. Now, there is a new attraction in Austin since Ben lived there nine years ago: bats! At sundown, they are supposed to emerge, en masse, from wherever they live, and it’s supposed to be really neat. So we sat around and waited. We watched the Bat Boat come out onto the river. We got bitten by mosquitos. But no bats! We stayed until it was dark and the bats never came. We were disappointed. It didn’t completely ruin our evening, however:

Me and Ben enjoying a peaceful night by the river in Austin.

Ben is so weird! He’s actually not a bad dancer, but given the opportunity, he’d prefer to be a goofball than to actually dance nicely. At our wedding, for example, all of my cousins stood up to do the electric slide; Ben joined them, but performed the macarena. On his own, I don’t care WHAT he does on the dance floor, but when you’re with me, my toes and I would like to request that you calm down a little bit, dear.

Corbett’s got two weiner dogs, and he had a groom’s cake made to reflect that. Can you say AWESOME???

So that’s our April! What did YOU do this month?

This morning, I woke up, showered, ironed my Easter skirt, got dressed, fed the dogs, took them out, made myself some breakfast, decided to take Zamba with us to church since she still hadn’t pooed, and then headed to church.

I didn’t cry as much today! Sadly, though, that’s just because the organ didn’t play as much. During the one song in which it soloed, the tears streamed down my cheeks.

Then, during the sermon, the pastor talked about a baby’s love for its mother. “Have you ever watched a baby watch it’s mother leave the room? Oh my goodness, that doesn’t sound pretty. But then, aa they get older, they begin to realize that the world doesn’t implode when mom leaves. She comes back! Often times, she comes back with milk!”

I didn’t cry, but boy did I want to. I guess it comes down to one simple fact: I’m not over losing my daughter yet, not by a long shot, and I don’t know that I ever will be. Most of the time, I manage okay, but sometimes, it hits me like a tidal wave of grief.

Tonight, I ate at the Indian restaurant near our house. There was a table of four women eating in front of me, and one of them had a six month old baby at home. She showed around a picture of her little one. I put my headphones in and turned up the music.

Someday, I’ll look back at my experience with Annie and smile. “Oh,” I’ll say, “she was beautiful”. Right now, though, it’s suffocating.

Dear Annie,

How are you doing? It’s been a while since I wrote, and I’d like to apologize. Daddy and I moved to San Fransisco! (SanFran is a big city In California. It’s prone to earthquakes, has a lot of hippies living in it, and tons of traffic.). I think you’d like it; we’ve got lots of delicious restaurants right down the street, and we’ve taken Chaco and Zamba to lots of dog parks, which they thoroughly enjoy. The only thing that has soured my experience, besides the noise of the traffic when I walk them in the morning, is the fact that you’re not here. I miss you.

I love you very very much, Annie Laurie. Take care.

Love,
Mommy